I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
