i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
