why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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