Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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