I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
