I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
