i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
