Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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