i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
