u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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