How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
