did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
