Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
