I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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