Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Floor bacon is actually really good
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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