Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
