Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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