When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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