Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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