Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
