I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
