today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
