____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
