theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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