Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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