Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
