The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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