I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
