i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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