Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
