Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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