No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
