OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
