1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
