you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
