currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
