We named our party play list daddy issues
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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