Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
