All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was confusing and full of hummus
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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