my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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