In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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