dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
