Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
