bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the liver wants what the liver wants
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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