True but thats because hes a fetus.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Come on in and take your pants off
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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