Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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