i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
