No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
