I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
