Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
