i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
