Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
