Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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