I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
