So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
