if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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