No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
